Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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