I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
