That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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