By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
