I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
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