I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
