there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
