Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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