I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
