His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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