i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
