I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
