did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
