the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
