Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
