Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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