Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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