Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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