Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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