Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
