Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
