I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
