i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
