Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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