Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize