I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
