dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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