i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize