Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
