never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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