My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
as a side note pls kill me
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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