How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
