Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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