Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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