Christians are straight up FREAKS
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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