I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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