I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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