i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize