How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
