I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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