This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
