at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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