My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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