i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize