when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
