I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My friends, they love my intelligence
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
