Your face is a jimmy john
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
