you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
