i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
