you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
