Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
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