my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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