There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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