You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
