I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
