Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
