Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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