You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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