I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
is this the sara with the beer cane?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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