My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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