shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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