OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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