So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
