Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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