I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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