Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
