Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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