im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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