I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
