I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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