I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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